Communications: If two good people with decent values live together as husband and wife and actually communicate they should be able to stay married. Our experience is that couples often talk but do not communicate. One of the top complaints about spouses is that they never listen. This may be true but it is equally likely that you are a poor communicator. Regardless of assigning fault there is an evident breakdown in communication. Frequent communication difficulties are a clear indicator of a break in the marriage unit and a warning sign of marital problems.

 

Distance: Many clients describe their spouse as distant-almost like a room mate. This is usually accompanied with the lack of hugs, pecks, kisses, physical and more important non-physical intimacy. If you are in a marriage and you feel this distance or a longing for closeness you absolutely have a marital wound that needs healed or at some point the marriage will end.

 

No More Love:  Ask yourself "do I love my spouse?" then ask yourself do I know my spouse loves me?" Do so in the quiet of your home and look at yourself in the mirror when answering these questions. You may be in for a surprise. Love is action. If you do not love your spouse by your actions and if your spouse does not give you reciprocal actions then you are at best disaster. You may spend you best years hanging on to the illusion of family, companionship and love. We have seen many a bitter spouse that invested their all to make a relationship work only to end up with heartbreak and despair. We are need based entities. We all have needs- if your spouse is not fulfilling your needs or if you fail to fulfill your spouse’s needs you are clearly on the road to marital disaster.

 

Needs fulfillment test. First think of a healthy need you have-one that your spouse can fulfill. For example, you need kissed at least seven times a day. Now affirm this to yourself as a healthy need and go approach your spouse and tell them your need. Tell them "I need you to kiss me at least seven times a day, once in the morning, once as we go to bed, and three times in front of the children. If your spouse gives you an unconditional yes then you have a mate that is willing to fulfill your needs. If you get any other answer then you have a spouse that wants his or her needs filled to your exclusion or that wants to place conditions on your needs fulfillment. If this is the answer tell your spouse you will give them one more chance and ask your spouse one more time and explain you need your need fulfilled. If you do not get an unconditional yes you have a problem.

 

New Child New House: If a relationship is flat quite often the players try to "fix" the relationship with a new house or a new child. The excitement of the new project is often enough to divert the attention from the failing relationship and the parties feel renewed. This is fleeting and does not address the core relational issues. This form of marriage therapy needs to be avoided. When the divorce comes down the road you have more debt and more children in tow.

 

I Hate My Spouse: This should be a no-brainer as a warning sign. However, if you thought so you would be wrong. Many clients have stayed for decades with spouses they hate. It is as if hating their spouse is just part of a normal daily routine. Self assessment is critical-do you hate your spouse? Our philosophy is learn to love or get out.

 

Life is Comfortable; Couples often get very comfortable with their married life. It as if they are on instant replay each day with a fairly pleasant existence. There is a healthy comfort zone where couples experience a healthy fulfilling and comfortable relationship. There are also couples that are comfortable in life and home and within their kids but there is no true couple relationship. Ask yourself “am I comfortable with my relationship with my spouse or am I comfortable with my married lifestyle. If it’s the latter and not the former there are relational problems.

 

Counseling Resistance: many couples could really benefit from professional marriage and individual counseling. Often we hear things like” we tried counseling". We dig a little deeper and find out it was 4-5 visits. People get their oil changed every three months to keep their car running but are so reluctant to get their relationship oil changed. We frequently encounter one spouse that wants to counsel and the other will not or is resistant. If your spouse won’t counsel the relationship is over. If you spouse valued your needs your spouse would willingly participate. Usually the non counseling spouse has moved on emotionally or is making a statement that you are not worth counseling. You will hear every excuse such as “I don't believe in that mumbo jumbo" or “you need to love as I am not what a counselor says I should be". You should not force your spouse into counseling. Forced counseling is of no value. Many spouses that have been so force just play mind games with the counselor.

 

Warning, you should be aware that what you say to a counselor can be produced in court pursuant to a subpoena. This is a real two edged sword. One must be honest in counseling to make progress but those very disclosures could be used against you in court.

 

Fidelity: Surprised this is not on the top of the list of warning signs? This is often an end and not a warning sign. This step comes generally only after many other warning signs have not been heeded. Please do not think we minimize the devastating effects of betrayal. The outright hurt from this lack of marital fidelity is initially great. While the heartache lingers do not expect to win your divorce because your spouse cheated. Judges have seen it all and will not be overly impressed with cheating. If you are the cheating spouse you may feel guilt and want to give it all away but this is the time to allow your attorney to handle your situation.

 

 

Financial Difficulty: This is not strictly a warning sign of marriage problems as much as a time where one can obtain a view into the strength of the marriage contract. When the money stops flowing in often couples quarrel rather than work together. A little of this may be normal but the wedding vow "for richer or poor' comes to mind. All too often after the money problems are over the wound fail to heal and money issues continue to raise their heads.

 

No Signs: Sometimes there are no readily apparent warning signs of marital difficulty. Clients come into our office and have been blindsided by their spouse asking for divorce. Others have been served divorce papers at work and it is the first they knew there was a problem. Many of these people think they have a good marriage. Usually by the end of the divorce process they realize they've had their head in the sand. They develop 20/20 hindsight and can see the warnings.